Every couple goes through ups and downs. How you handle them can make or break your relationship. Many people make six common mistakes that they think are normal ways to deal with issues. These bad relationship patterns may appear to work temporarily but are relationship killers in the end. If you or your partner routinely make one or more of these mistakes, it's a sign that at least one of you needs to boost your emotional intelligence (EQ).
There's a direct relationship between your emotional intelligence and your ability to have healthy, happy relationships. In a nutshell, EQ is how soundly and wisely you deal with your emotional self and your interpersonal relationships. Half-jokingly, I sometimes say your level of EQ affects how much dumb shit you do to sabotage yourself. The greater your EQ, the greater your awareness, understanding, and management of raw emotions as well as your emotionally driven decisions and behaviors. This includes how you communicate and relate to others. Strengthening your EQ strengthens your relationships and leads to less drama in your life overall.
High EQ is essential to breaking these six bad relationship patterns if you have them. You'll find you'll have fewer relationship conflicts and improve how you handle them when you do.
Avoid These 6 Common Relationship Killing Patterns:
- Using gifts to patch a wound. Taking your partner on vacation to make up for a screwup? Letting your spouse buy something you can't afford just to appease their anger? A pattern of covering up relationship issues with money or diversions doesn't smooth things over for very long—if at all. In fact, the same problem tends to keep coming back stronger. A gift can be a peace offering but addressing the real issue takes emotional intelligence.
- Dropping hints instead of communicating. Your partner won't always get the message when you send signals. Other times, the message will be loud and clear, but they'll resent that you're dropping hints rather than being direct. Instead, take responsibility for your wants and needs and state them clearly. You're much more likely to have your wishes respected this way.
- Threatening a breakup to get what you want. Emotionally manipulating a significant other with this kind of threat destabilizes the relationship and increases the overall drama. You might get your way in the short term, but there is a huge price to pay. A secure relationship partner wouldn't tolerate this tactic for long—and the relationship will suffer while they do. Don't make idle threats about ending your relationship. Learn to negotiate and compromise.
- Being passive-aggressive (or plain-old aggressive). Passive-aggressive behavior can appear similar to dropping hints, only the behavior is more punishing, stubborn, uncooperative, sarcastic, or even belittling in indirect ways. For example, you might sulk, give the silent treatment, or "forget" to do things that you promised in an unconscious act of defiance. This type of behavior gradually erodes the relationship. Instead, be considerate and assertive enough to tell your partner what's going on with you.
- Tit for tat. Unlike passive-aggressive behavior, this one is overt. You did not attend your partner's last football game, so he uses that as an excuse to skip out on the barbecue with your family. Whenever you use your partner's past perceived transgressions as an excuse to behave poorly yourself, a snowball of resentment is the result. The converse is true, too. Keeping track of your good deeds and refusing to do anything else for your partner until they've evened the score doesn't foster relationship growth. Strengthening your sense of security and supportiveness will help build a stronger relationship.
- Failing to take responsibility for your own happiness. Do you blame your significant other for not making you happier? If your partner goes out with friends for a night on the town, do you pout and throw blame for making you feel bad? This is an example of codependence. Your emotions are your own responsibility. Emotional intelligence empowers you to take it head-on.
So, do you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these patterns? If so, these patterns are likely affecting other relationships as well. Boosting your EQ will help you refrain from things that weaken them. You'll replace bad relationship habits with key EQ skills such as communicating directly and fairly, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and taking responsibility for your emotions. In any relationship, understand that how much you're able to give, get, or connect will change from one day to the next. Awareness of those changes increases with emotional intelligence.
So, high is your EQ? What area is weakest? And what can you do to improve it and your relationships? Take the free EQ test (FreeEQTest.com) and find out.
