In a previous article, I talked about how to become the luckiest person you know. But nothing shuts down luck and opportunity like being too self-conscious.
Self-consciousness is an intense discomfort or preoccupation with the way others perceive you or your actions. As social creatures, caring what others think is natural and can be useful to a point. It can be a valuable emotional intelligence skill. When it stops you from doing things—like speaking up, showing up, standing out, making the best decision, or taking action—it becomes a problem.
A contributing factor in unhealthy self-consciousness is wanting to control the image other people have of you. Think about what that image means to you and what makes you need other people to see it. Constant worry about what others think of you might reflect criticism you expect to receive and criticism you already give yourself. If you think negatively of yourself, you may assume that others feel the same way.
Whatever the root cause, insecurities are no fun. Here are a few strategies and some food for thought to help you be bolder, step out of your self-conscious shell, and live your life on your own terms:
- You're being judged less than you think. I hate to break it to you but, other people are not that into you. Studies have shown that people pay attention about half as much as you think they do. For example, in one study, college students were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt into class and then guess how many of their fellow students noticed the t-shirt. The guesses were approximately two times higher than the actual result. As soon as you catch yourself preoccupied with the thoughts and opinions of others, remind yourself that they're too worried wondering about other things—possibly what you're thinking about them. Give yourself a break and a reality check to help you relax.
- Failing to act or speak results in more regret than saying or doing something embarrassing. Holding back to avoid embarrassment is a huge side effect of being too self-conscious. Yet, embarrassing incidents rarely, if ever, are as monumental as predicted. The consequences of remaining quiet tend to have longer-lasting repercussions. It becomes harder and harder to jump in each time. And silence may cement an image of you as a person with little to contribute. Focus on being part of the action or conversation rather than how you think you will look. The more you contribute the less you have to worry about a single interaction defining you.
- Ask yourself, "So what?" That inner voice holding you back will keep you paralyzed if you allow it. When you feel your inner naysayer start to rear its ugly head, turn the tables, ask "So what?" and keep it moving. "I'm worried everyone will see that I don't know the answer. Okay. So what?" What's the worst that can happen? What's the best that can happen? What's most likely to happen? Instead of reacting emotionally, give yourself a reality check to override a negative inner voice.
- Avoid comparisons between others and yourself. We tend to notice the strengths of others and fixate on what we perceive as our weaknesses. If you spend your time comparing your "worst" to someone else's best, you won't feel good about yourself. Take note of your uniqueness, focus on what's great and different about you, and then use it to your advantage. This is also helpful if you're working on developing your personal or business brand.
- Act confident, even if you're not. The idea of confidence can be a little bit misleading because it seems like a trait that either you have or you don't. Not so. Confidence develops with experience and ability and can be affected differently in different situations. For example, you can be completely confident in a one-on-one business meeting yet be totally insecure on a first date. To appear more confident, hold your head high, stick out your chest and adopt other confident postures and mannerisms, such as speaking with authority. Practice in the mirror. These things can help convince your brain that you're feeling confident. This can take time, so give yourself plenty of it.
- Take part in activities that excite you. It's easier to be bold when doing something that you really want to do. So learn to be bold in the easiest way possible. Use things you're interested in to help overcome your insecurities. For example, if you're self-conscious about meeting new people but love playing board games, attend or host game nights and let your excitement win the day.
- Try a new style on for size. Change up your wardrobe or hairstyle to expand your view of yourself. When you view yourself differently, you give yourself permission to act differently. This can make it easier to do and say the things that are on your mind. Others will view you differently too.
- Transform self-consciousness into a healthy self-image and self-awareness. The thing about self-consciousness is, that while it makes you hyper-aware of yourself and other people's perception of you, your awareness, judgment, and decision-making are often greatly distorted. This can hold you back or lead you astray in so many ways. To start developing a healthier awareness and authentic self-image, increase your emotional intelligence (EQ). Start with a self-assessment (FreeEQTest.com) to get your profile of EQ strengths and weaknesses and see where you need the most work.
Self-consciousness, when left unchecked, can be severely limiting. Imagine what your life would be like if you were able to stop caring so much about the opinions of others. By practicing these strategies, you'll start to experience fewer social anxieties and be more of your true self.